Boating is...by boatguy Ed Fort Myers Beach is a satirical site!

Is boating too complicated and therefore too difficult for the novice? Wouldn’t doing away with antiquated nautical terms and replacing them with everyday terms simplify boating? We all learn the difference between left and right in the first grade and the teachers pounded in our heads that we walk on the right in traffic. So the basics are already learned. Then we buy a boat and things change but why do we have to follow the ancient mariners. We don’t use cotton sails or steam power anymore but we still use terminology that dates back to the Vikings. Starboard is said to be a corruption of the word 'steer-board', which was on the right side of the boat. With the 'steer board' hanging out the side you couldn't come into port on that side or you'd smash the steer-board. So ancient boats came in to Port on the port side of the boat opposite the right side steer-board or starboard, right!  Port and left have four letters so Port and left are the same. And i...

So 'the day' is done but the shopping isn't. Early this morning the G-mas and Mommies went to the malls. That was smart because traffic was backing up on Estero around 7am. Since the Dads and G-kids are on vacation the kids slept in until 8am then woke up starving. G-dads brought them to the clubhouse for pancakes, sweet rolls and sausage biscuits. None of them wanted our fried Mullet, eggs and grits breakfast. A quite a few ate on the dock to get away from the smell of cooking fish. We had all three clubhouse coffee makers going. One made hot chocolate, one had Orange Pekoe Tea and the third was straight coffee. My griddle went non-stop until 9:30 am with homemade pancakes injected with dried fruit or fresh blue berries. At least a gallon of syrup was consumed and two huge bowls of Bananas, Oranges and Apples were emptied. As you know the Sun played peek-a-boo with us as we cleaned up. The little ones were excited and ready to go on a boat ride. The older o...

How do you get a 3 year olds to bed on Christmas Eve. It's easy, they're begging you to let them. Here comes Santa!!!

The Christmas Eve 'Dead End Canal Yacht Club' breakfast was poorly attended for many reasons mostly because of last night's Christmas party. And the fact that the 'Vegan' neighbors were cooking Omelets at their place. We went and the Omelets were kinda tasty but most member's alcohol damaged senses may have lied to them.   Since the Vegans don't drink and neither Bonita Bill's nor the Moose were serving $5 Bloody Mary's, we quickly adjourned to the clubhouse (my garage) for the hair of the dog and some biscuits with sausage gravy. Our second most favorite southern breakfast, the first being fried Mullet with eggs and garlic Grits. The grease either absorbs the remnants of the over indulgence or expels it in some form. NOT IN THE POOL!!!! Thankfully I've matured enough to temper my intake of alcohol and have remembered the cure-all for hangovers, Alka Seltzer! Plop, plop fizz, fizz. Two of those little darlings in a medium size glass of...

There is a place near the beach that is a genuine hard luck joint. Way back it was a shrimper/BBQ palace on Hurricane Pass. After a fire they closed and it was sold to people with money who rebuilt it into a fancy waterfront watering hole and restaurant. It was one of the 'Dead End Canal Yacht Club's' favorite destination. A lot of our members lived in Boardwalk Caper then and some still do. We could walk, drive or boat to this place and we loved it, especially on the return trip. Once Pioneer Pete bought on the Dead End Canal many of us followed him. Of course it wasn't the Dead End Canal then, that came later but it was a great place to be! “I don't know why nobody goes there,” said Cap'n Crunch to the kibitzers watching he and a dockside mechanic (DSM) replace a section of rub rail on his bow. “Last weekend was cool but the sun was shining and there weren't many people there?” We'd all heard the story of the damaged rub rail but Cap...

My wife is a Cleveland Browns fan because, I don't know why? She was born in Pennsylvania but went to college in Ohio and was brainwashed by her dorm mates I guess. She isn't from Ohio and was able to escape without becoming an Ohio State fan. Thank God! So when John, 'Johnny Football', Manziel started for the Browns on Sunday we had to watch. Luckily I don't go to the Bayside Bar and Grill anymore so we couldn't watch while completely immersed in rabid Brown's Backers Dog Pound fans. We went to 'Fort Myers Beach Doc Ford's' and had a great time eating a special football lunch, drinking iced tea and diet Coke. We had front row seats to a TV in the corner and there were even some gentile Browns fans nearby. Everything was good except the game. “Oh my gosh,” my wife said that at least 50 times through 3 quarters. She also questioned the play calling but most vehemently questioned the play of the offensive line. “Can't they block...

It's been a time honored tradition among the “Dead End Canal Yacht Club” to give generously during the Christian holidays especially Christmas. Not that we are so homogenous that we exclude Jews or Muslims but the vast majority of our members are Christian so it was natural. Flashback to 2003 and we watched the newer owners sell out for huge profits and the newest owners auctioning off their new purchases. Real Estate agents routinely rang the doorbells and promised fantastic prices. Then 2008 came and 2009 went into the toilet. Nearly half of the canal changed hands once or twice. Only us old timers held on for the ride. Where were we to go with a half a million in our pockets when property values were spiraling upwards at such a pace. The Christmas party of 2006 was easy to remember because so many non-member residents showed up. When the membership committee asked them to sign up, most declined but didn't leave. The free beer and eats were to seductive. “Naw, we...

"I think we should up the spending limit of the clubs gift exchange. Twenty five dollars doesn't go that far anymore," said Hard Luck Hanna from Texarkana. "I disagree," said Cleveland Jack, "we had a mass resignation of exchange participants when it went from $15 to $25. It's hard to believe that we have such shortsighted members but that is what happened." Run-aground Ralph joined the conversation from his Pukin' Pelican bar stool, "Christmas is for family. Not a club activity." "You ain't involved. Go back to Fox News if you don't want in, stay out," said Cracker Bob. We all knew Bob is a fan of Fox 'Fair and Balanced' News so we asked why he was being critical. "Not in a bar, not in a bar. Too may arguments!" "I'm sure glad he's gone," said Hanna. "He's way to proud of his edible panty gifts for the women." "I think he has Alzheimer’s...

Can it be that time of year already? Fort Myers Beach Christmas Boat Parade is this coming Saturday leaving from the Outhouse BBQ in Slimy Sam's Marina. If you detect a little rancor in this blog it is because of Slimy Sam's Marina complex fired their 8 year bookkeeper during her breast cancer treatment. And that is why none, zero, of the "Dead End Canal Yacht Club" members will participate. Who ever heard of such a disgraceful action. She was involved in active chemo therapy when she lost her insurance because she was fired. Contrary to rumors, Slimy Sam's Marina didn't fight her unemployment. Not even they could sink that low! Some of our members will join the parade in progress by intercepting them at Doc Fords. And most of our members will have a few beers there rather than Slimy Sam's Marina and the Outhouse BBQ. (This blog/column is meant for educational purposes only.  Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. ...

Oh those optimists! A slew of new restauranteurs have moved onto Fort Myers Beach and surrounding areas. From a casual observation it seems that most are ex-pat Michiganders. Most noticeably, the new owners of the Fish Monger and the new occupants of the old Channel Mark named Dock 'O Bay. The Monger has been partially remodeled and the menu revamped but they kept the best of the old place especially the fresh fish right off the boat. I don't speak Michigander so the menu at the new Monger has some strange words like 'boat' for potato skin and 'Creel' for basket. Partner/Owner Shelly has been in Florida for 30 years but still hangs onto a rustic ex-Pat Michigander style. Her Partner/Owner is the chef and he has added many delicious dishes and they've added some very interesting deals. Dock 'O Bay didn't have much to grow from because the previous restaurant was doomed by their menu. They have a wide variety and seem to be relying on the view...

What a boondoggle Thanksgiving is and isn't. 17 million Turkeys are MURDERED just to satisfy the blood lust of the American public. That is the opinion of the newcomer Vegans across the Canal so I thought to include their values into this column as a way to welcome them. I prefer to believe that each and everyone of the Turkeys are 'harvested' humanely. As if there is a humane way to kill 17 million of anything. I could make a correlation to our American poultry farmers and the hated Nazis. I won't because I don't want to, even though the Vegans have made that comparison several times, recently. They are a happy go lucky couple of ex-hippies who like to smoke dope and quote Buddha and Mao and Bob Dylan unless some one wears any kind of fur around them. They instantly turn into snarling junk yard dogs. They won't sit on leather furniture or drink milk or eat any animal flesh and no food can contain any animal bi-products like eggs, cheese or milk. You might...

So I'm coming back to the beach and I'm stopped at a traffic signal and the light turns green but the first car is scared to turn left. Finally goes into his turn but several cars have gone around the other driver so he is cut off and nearly killed just for trying to make a left turn on a two lane road. He gets thru his turn and now it's my turn to turn left. Several more cars are changing lanes to go around hesitant left turners but I am an asshole and drive straight towards them. Frightened the shit out of two and one jammed on his brakes so hard his car stalled in the intersection. I've got to get me a dashboard video camera. Ppl won't believe it! Yes I am......Still crazy after all these years. The pic is of my latest brain scan which proves my point!

“NO WAKE means no wake. It doesn't mean no wake except if it's about to start raining or the sun has set. STAYING ON RIGHT means staying on the right side of a channel. It doesn't mean stay on the right except if you want to bullshit with another boater or you aren't sure where the shallow water is so you stay in the middle. And people ask me why I'm angry? No, I'm not prejudiced against people from Ohio. You need to have pre-judged someone negatively to be prejudiced. I have met enough Ohioans to know there are great ones and not so great ones. My beef is with the boater education system in Ohio. Just because they don't have tides, channel markers in Lake Erie or an extensive system of canals doesn't preclude some of them from knowing about the rules of the road. What do they do all winter? Ice fish? Every Coast Guard Auxiliary group in Ohio holds classes when the boats are covered with snow. One night a week or a few hours on Saturday co...

Last week I was at the 42nd Annual Fort Myers Boat Show and it was quite a success except for the fact that none of the 'Dead End Canal Yacht Club' regulars showed up even though I had passes for 10 of them. I am writing this Monday morning so I haven't seen any of them to inquire about their absence. The only member i saw was Hard Luck Hanna from Texarkana and her new beau, 'tattooed man.'  Tat is a walking advertisement for hepatitis and we haven't found out the back story because he doesn't come around our social gatherings and Hanna is mum on the subject. All we know is he lived in Key West for many years and that may be the answer in-itself. The couple strolled by and waved but didn't stop. Saw so many readers of the old 'Boating is...' column that my head swam in circles for hours. Answered the same questions over and over, "Why aren't you writing for that beach rag anymore?" Official answer is; they changed directio...

I got cut off three times by the same driver on my way back from Home Depot," said Run-aground Ralph. "I'm not leaving the beach until April." "I was at the Moose yesterday and ten people asked me where I was from," said Boston Bob with his usual Boston accent, "I told them I was from Immokalee and they wanted to argue!" "Just three more weeks and a lot of them will go back HOME for Turkey," I said. "We'll have a reduced load until right after Xmas when the tourists descend on us." "The tourists I can take! I like seeing the kids on the beach and the young parents chasing after them. We get to see the ppl who the snowbirds are always complaining about around the pool at Menopause Manor (Boardwalk Caper)," said Commodore Jim. "I saw several Sunset Bar regulars at Skippy's the other night," said Cleveland Jack, "they say nobody goes there anymore even the ones that live across the street....

Fort Lauderdale International Boat Show is over and thanks be to God! We haven't done that show for years and I must have been out of my mind to return. The South Florida Marine Industries Association owns the show but Show Management runs it with an iron hand and it is one of the most vendor 'unfriendly' shows anywhere. For instance, all the parking around the Broward Convention center doubled in price and were designed to set up us for tickets. No one knew when the show owned the parking lots, the Hilton Hotel or the City. Total rip-off. I was forced to take a barrier down so exhibitors could use the un-staging area because the attendant was late for the job. I was applauded by fellow venders but I was certain there was a ticket or worse in my future. The amenities were lacking. The only place to get a $6 cup of Starbucks was way too far away. No rolling vendors or food trucks. The Convention center employees checked coolers and bags looking for contraband food...

If the Pirates were alive today they would be so proud of their descendants. Last weekend there were real, or maybe look-alike Pirates, occupying the beach and they weren't the dressed up bunch either. At least there wasn't any charge for the admission but the parking lots were doing land office business on Saturday but not so well on Sunday because of NFL football. There were two small blocks of booths quite willing to take the coin of the realm from you and a few food vendors plus a bagpiper and plenty of small canons to scare the tykes. Many were hoping for re-enactments of the most brutal pirate characteristics but besides a bar brawl or two, there weren't much. Truthfully, I'm not aware of any brawls but there should have been. I can only envision arguments over which Pirate's wench showed more boob or who had more inappropriate tattoos. The 'Dead Enc Canal Yacht Club' members stayed out of the way on Saturday afternoon while Pirate ships arr...

The first Sunday of the month is 'Education Sunday' and every senior member of the 'Dead End Canal Yacht Club' is in the rotation for teaching. Last Sunday was my turn. I wanted to teach about Ethics in Business but the Education Committee thought that was way beyond our little groups ability to absorb since most were retired scoundrels. I was slightly disappointed because I was hoping to use as an example a local business' firing of a long time employee because she got breast Cancer and her Chemo treatment was interfering with her job. Oh well, I picked another topic. One that would guarantee it would be a short session, Sailing. Of the 20 something eager faces looking up at me from the folding seats, I expected that no more than 5 would remain after my opening statement and slide. The sound of wooden chairs being slammed together for storage was thunderous and I'm sure the departing members were thankful for an early out so they could watch NFL footbal...

A group of friends of friends of friends from Ohio came to town and borrowed my Biddison 22 for a week of fishing. They had impeccable credentials including Coast Guard Auxiliary certification. The only requirement I imposed was that my boat had to be back at my dock two hours after sunset every day. Take a wild guess at how many days it made the dock? If you said one you'd be one over. It didn't bother me that much but the wife was pissed. I knew where the boat was and twice I swung by to see it was at my neighbors dock. I ran into them at Dock Fords and they were sufficiently contrite. They promised to have it ship shape and home the night before they left. They must have docked it in the middle of the night because it was magically there in the morning. In the boat there were s few beer cans but no dings or dents. The 22 Biddison has more storage than any other boat ever built. I started to clean the boat but was called away, wink, wink! When I got home my wife...

"Boy the water in the canal is high," said Erie Earl's nephew, "must be all the rain." Jeff the Nephew lives in Iowa and is contemplating moving to Fort Myers/Fort Myers Beach because he went through a messy divorce that included accusations of infidelity and child abuse but more on that later. "No, Jeff, not necessarily just the rain," said Chicago Chuck. "It's the tide, mostly. It will take you a while to learn about tides." "We studied them in college and my family experienced them when we vacationed on the ocean but...," he teared up and left. "It's been tough on him," said Earl. "He should grow a pair, kick them to the curb and get on with his life," said Run-aground Ralph. "Spoken like a true Coast Guard desk jockey," I spouted but then I remembered to suffer fools more gladly. The last time I spoke up, I was ejected from the Big Game Waterfront Restaurant. ...

There has been a shock as powerful as lightning and as loud as thunder that went through Fort Myers Beach last week. The cheap draft beer has gone from $1 to $1.50 and more. "Oh my God how could they have jacked up it up $.50 that fast," cried on former patron who loved the buck beer.

" I can't believe someone would fire a woman while she's battling breast cancer," said 'Run-aground' Ralph. We fellow "Dead End Canal Yacht Club' members were deeply moved by Ralph's incredulity . Ralph's many careers included owning a non-union foundry outside of Chicago and he bragged how ruthlessly he treated his employees. “Even I wouldn't have stooped so low!” “ I t's all over the beach,” said Boston Bob, “even heard it from a couple of early snowbirds I brought to the beach the other day.” Yes, he's back driving 'airport transportation. NOT TAXI! We're even debating changing his nickname to 'not a taxi driver Bob'! “ I hear there will be a boycott and it might have already started,” said Erie Earl, “it was me and Cleveland Jack and the young bar maid the other happy hour.” “ I thought people were staying away because of the banishment of a favorite 'DECYC' member but I can see how mo...