Boating is...by boatguy Ed Fort Myers Beach is a satirical site!

On Christmas night we Caroled up and down the Dead End Canal on the Reverend's Tri-toon boat which can carry a lot of people. To be honest we were lousier this year than in the past because everyone refused to practice. Thank goodness for the Rev's stereo system because at least our back-up music was in key. Most of the Canal-ites that were home came out to their dock and either cheered or booed, good naturedly. Only Run-aground Ralph and Cap'n Scrunch turned off their dock lights when we approached. Mrs. Crunch filed an e-mail complaint with the Board of Governors about a male dressed as Santa Claus who may have dropped his red trousers and mooned their residence. She was offended that her teenage Grand children had witnessed the incident. Since there were at least 3 of Santa's helpers aboard and almost everyone on board, with the exception of the Reverend, was tight as a Drum, there was no way to confirm the sighting. Complaint denied! The even

Boating; From the Archives 2004 by boatguy Ed “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose, Yule tide carols being sung by a choir and folks dressed up like Eskimos….” Yes Virginia this is my Christmas column but have no fear because there is plenty of bah humbug in it for all us Grinch's. This is one heck of a time of year, I’ll tell you! Red suited, white bearded men everywhere and Christmas lights on everything including boats parading all around. It seems that there is a Christmas party nearly every night and the diet has flown the coop in the face of eggnog and cookies and the many toasts to friends and acquaintances. Some of us had all the presents bought last summer but we men will still buy some of our presents on Christmas Eve. That is when some of the best sales of the season take place but it isn’t that we are frugal, just procrastinators! Not to miss out on the holiday sales West Marine and the other discount boat stores hav

Club News and Updates; Since we now have a brand new group of Condos on the off-shoot of the Dead End Canal we have new members in our “Dead End Canal Yacht Club.” There is an eight slip mini-Marina and since most of the new residents are 'out-of'-staters' University types, six out of the eight are filled with sailboats. At the year end meeting on December 17 th we inducted four out of the five applicants. The fifth being absent because of family dragging them off to Disney world. For the ceremony, they newbies dressed up in their newest boat shoes, khaki slacks and blue polo shirts from whatever Yacht Club would've had them up North. The men wore tiny pennants, Rhodes Scholarship pins , phi beta kappa keys and Eagle Scout medals. The women wore 'Daughters of the American Revolution' necklaces, ear rings and pins. Every one of the four woman were a solid '5'. Not worse nor better and they dressed and wore make up specifically to be fo

 “I thought I'd never have another home,” said Monongahela Maureen several days before this get together. Mo is 'Pittsboig' Joe's wife. They are the newest non-retired residence of the Dead End Canal and therefore club members despite what some of us think. He loves his new boat, a 24' center console fishing boat with a 275 Yamaha hung on the stern. He is an Industrial Engineer and she is a college professor. They have three grown children because they started young. Happily married and really enjoy their own company as long as they are fishing. It's been a frustrating year and a half for Joe. First he bought the wrong boat, a pontoon isn't a fishing boat but it got him used to our inshore waters. He wanted to catch fish so he traded up to the 24 footer and if his 50 mile runs offshore doesn't beat them up, he'll catch the big ones. “I heard them go by at 5:30 am,” said Texarkana Hanna, “I was already making coffee for my house guest so

QVC just sold out of BABY TRUMP IN MANGER front lawn display. Complete with tuft of bright orange hair and adoring cabinet members, this handsome rendering of adoration comes directly from Indonesia overnight shipping for $99.95. Limit 25 per order. This blog/column is meant for educational purposes only.  Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.  All images are merely for humor and not meant to comment on subject.  Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. Do not read while operating a vehicle or heavy machinery. Keep sending those great questions and comments! (Contact) boatguied@aol.com 

We sat around the picnic tables at the 'Pukin' Pelican' eating lunch under a large, tattered umbrella. We, the Progressive wing of the “Dead End Canal Yacht Club” had not ventured out much publicly since that horrible event. You know! We were celebrating the end of the college football season and anticipating the playoffs to determine the best, absolutely best college football team in America. Just as with that past horrible election, we were sure who would win but that was because the second selection was much more scientific than first. Our waitress, Gabrielle, voted against us in that first election. Despite my being as depressed as hearing the sappy song, “I'll be home for Christmas” while I knew I wouldn't and because I was an ocean away and in the Army, I tried to make a joke. “Gabby, are you ready to sell me your guns?” She ignored me even though her eyes told me to have sex with myself and she was right not to jeopardize her tip. “That's

UNDER THE HEADING Of....and just when you thought things couldn't get any worse, I was awoken from a sound sleep by shouting and singing reverberating down the canal at 2:40am. I didn't call the Sheriff because I assumed correctly that the fireworks that followed signaled the destruction of our Democracy and the rising of Fascist America. Thankfully, Mrs. boatguy slept through the racket and since I expected the turn of events, I rolled over and went back to bed after a quick trip to the bathroom and a head rub on the dog. I'm sure he figured that since I didn't have my bed-side gun in hand, everything was cool. (I can admit I'm a gun owner now that the Hillary-ites won't come get them!) I slept until 7:30am when the dog expects to be let out for his morning pee and I put on the coffee. I turned on the computer to the Huffington Post and confirmed my worst fears. Trump won. Trump really won? It was a bad dream about a bad man destroying our country...

“What is wrong with this country,” asked Texarkana Hanna, “why can't it be like the old days?” “Old days like how,” asked Boston Bob, “not like when you had to keep your mouth closed because you were a woman?” “I never kept my mouth shut and I got the false teeth to prove it,” said Hanna reaching into her mouth to pull out her choppers. “Been punched hard by many a man!” Everyone shouted; No, no, no we don't want to see!!!!! “How often have you been Trump Groped?”  “I'm seventy one years young and I got most of my teeth,” said Railroad Tom, “thanks to good Union contracts I had good dental care and good medical care and life insurance!” “What happened to your brain cells? You drank most of them under the bus, didn't you?” said Cap'n Crunch. “I raised a family, stayed with one woman until she died and I have a newer boat than you do, you old degenerate,” said Tom. “My only regret is that I was a cheapskate. I wish I'd spent

“Oh, what a terrible week it's been,” said Tex Arkana Hanna as she downed another shot of Fireball Whiskey at the Pukin' Pelican today. “He's going to win no matter what! The liberal press can lie all about him they want, use doctored video and audio and make fun of Trump on Saturday Night Live but when my good union dues paying brothers vote, it'll be for Trump all the way,” said Railroad Tom. “My brother in-law retired from Youngstown Sheet and Tube in Youngstown, Ohio and his house looks like Donald Trump Headquarters,” said Pittsburgh Mike. “I wonder if he'll be taking any of it down now that Trump has been exposed for buying illegaly dumped Chinese steel for the new building just blocks from the White House,” asked Boston Bob who wasn't wearing any Red Sox logos after Cleveland eliminated them from the playoffs. Then Run-aground Ralph landed his boat at the dock and disembarked wearing his red Trump hat. As he came in the side door, we sa

 As the Snowbird members of our beloved 'Dead End Canal Yacht Club' drift into town, we year rounders are at a loss for explanation about the “State of the Beach.” The road construction is ongoing without an apparent end in site, many of our favorite watering holes are on shaky ground and that layer of government that was not supposed to impact our lives, HAS! And several restaurants are falling behind in their promises! The 'Best of the Beach' is a contest that is somehow rigged by the restaurants themselves. So the best breakfast on the beach might not be. We don't know how they do it but the awarding newspapers have to be involved because even Stevie Wonder could detect fraud from Xeroxed ballots in the same handwriting. From One of the Beach Places with Boot in their name but NOT from the one that Claims to have the Best Ribs ! “Who has the best BBQ,” asked a tourist. “I see the electronic sign on the approach of the beach declaring they have 'ho

Boating by boatguy Ed Donlin When it comes time to sell your boat will it be worth what you expect? The happiest days in a boater’s life are the day they buy the boat and the day they sell it. So, selling a boat should be on every boat owners mind even if selling is in the future. One might hope that someone who just has to have your boat stops you along the waterway but that rarely happens. What you do to your boat months and maybe years before you sell it affects the sale. Did you ever wonder why some boats sell quickly and others take a lot longer? The owners of the fast selling boats did a better job of maintaining their boat and they were able to prove it. The difference in the selling price between two 1999 Barslammer 24 walk-around cuddy cabin boats can be significant. A quick stroll around a used boat lot will show you that similar boats might start out around the same price but one boat usually has a “motivated seller” attached to it because it has been o

Last week Run-aground Ralph took the cover off his 'Zoomnoshit 34 footer' and the three 250 hp Yamaha Outboards which has sat on his boat lift for all of last summer. “He must have met a new, hot, potential ex-Mrs. Ralph in Miami.” “He spent the summer on South Beach looking for another 'Hot Tamale' and all indications suggest he found one,” said Pittsburgh Mike. “I'm tired of hauling him around and listening to him bitch about the heat.” “Never offers to pay for an ounce of fuel and insists on going where he wants too,” said 'Texarkana Hanna'. “Why don't you snatch him up and put him in his place,” said ' N ouveau Riche  Neville' to Hanna. (Background; Neville is the newest member of the 'Dead End Canal Yacht Club' since he bought the house on the first curve of the canal. He is rich because his wife died aboard a private jet owned by the largest software company in Canada.) “I guess all that found money didn't co

BOATING “It is hotter than hell,” said Meadville Bobby as we sat outside of the 'Pukin Pelican' yesterday. “The temp gauge on my car said 98 degrees as I drove over here.” “Nice breeze coming off that floor fan,” said Deleware Dave, “reminds me of the time I worked in Bethleham Steel around the Blast furnaces.” “I like the view, nice water view,” said Cleveland Jack as he watched a boat load of tourists disembark from a Salty Scam's rental boat. “DON”T DO THAT,” we shouted in unison as one small boy picked up the dock hose. Our warning was heeded and the little boy dropped the hose. But the father picked it up, gave us a 'you can't tell my Son what to do look' and shot a stream at his slightly older daughter who immediatley let out a scream so loud that I'm sure the dock hand at Faulty Sham's heard it. “Water temp must have been near boiling point,” said Delewere Dave. Run-aground Ralph and Captain Crunch limped out the side

Florida Fish & Wildlife Conservation Commission sent this bulletin at 07/29/2016 11:00 AM EDT For immediate release: July 29, 2016 Photos available on the FWC’s Flickr site:   https://flic.kr/s/aHsjEz2hj2 New at-risk vessel law helps FWC officials manage Florida waterways A new Florida law, approved by the Legislature and Governor during the 2016 Session, will enable county and local authorities along with the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission (FWC) to more effectively manage the state’s waterways. The new law (F.S. 327.4107) allows law enforcement officers to issue non-criminal citations to owners who allow their boats to become “at risk” of becoming derelict. “This law allows officers to take action before a vessel crosses that line between at-risk and derelict, and hopefully prompts the owner to rectify any issues with the vessel before it reaches a state of disrepair,” said Phil Horning, FWC’s derelict vessel program administrator. “Prior to this law being