Not so funny Boating Stories!

… AND NOW WE ENTER THE WAYBACK MACHINE!

Step in and close the door behind you. Don't let the whirring sound nor the flashing lights alarm you my friends because this is a painless journey. When the machine stops shaking we will exit inside a Boat US store in the Fort Myers Bridge Plaza circa 1990. Lets go!

I was the Department Head in the Bosun's Locker in this store. Certainly not the most glamorous position but I was there for the benefits. Anyway, I was doing some chore in an empty aisle during a quiet period when I overheard a tale of woe coming from the next aisle.

“This is my third anchor in one month,” said a man to a friend. His friend commiserated with him on his bad luck. “Not bad luck,” said the anchor loser, “my new boat keeps cutting the anchor rode.”

“What kind of a boat cuts it's own anchor rope,” asked the curious companion. The storyteller was examining the anchors which was evident by the clanking as he picked them up and put them down. He was going to pick the least expensive galvanized anchor but that made sense if he was going lose it right away.

His companion continued to press him on the make of boat. I assumed they were in the same marina if he didn't have an anchor. “It's a French Clorox bottle, a Maginoux,” he

blurted out. (The name has been changed to prevent a law suit.) His companion wasn't familiar with the racing style sailboat but I was.

“And your wife abandoned you and went back to Canada? Not much loyalty there,” said the companion.

“If this wasn't my dreamboat I might have gone with her because it turned into a nightmare trip from Canada. Three times we awoke in the middle of the night adrift or up on a sandbar because of the boat pumping on the hook and the fin keel sawing through the rope,” he said.

I was somewhat familiar with that problem because I had delivered many light weight sailing boats and experienced the swinging or sailing of the keel from side to side in a current while anchored. One fix was to keep an anchor watch but since his wife had fled, that was out. I had just entered the anchor aisle to give some other possible solutions when raucous laughter came from the aisle beyond.

The storyteller had been full voiced as he told his tale of woe but I was certain that he wasn't trying to do a comedy act. His story had gained one full voiced laughing audience member. I could see trouble coming because the Canadian stormed passed me to confront the Hyena. I followed because it wouldn't do to have members fighting in the Bosun's Locker!

A casually dressed boating type was still in mid-laugh when the angry Canadian confronted him, “So you think this is funny, eh?” I placed my wide body between them as the casually dressed boating type stopped laughing.

“I wasn't laughing at you but with you. Someday, when you tell your Grandchildren it will be funny to you, too!” I was thinking the same thing but the Canadian wasn't. “I hardly think so, eh” said the Canadian. He was nearly in tears. “For the life of me I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong!”

“”Do you have a milk carton on board?” Every sailor has several because they are strong plastic, portable and allow airflow to combat mold in stored items. “This all happened to me many years ago and when I finally got off my last sandbar along South Carolina, I told the story to some old salts and they laughed at me like I was laughing at you. I didn't know whether to shit or wind my watch but I really wanted to punch them and then burn the boat.”

“'Not so fast young Yankee,' they told me. 'We can help you fix this for the price of a case of beer!'“ The Canadian suddenly perked up at the thought of getting off for just the price of beer. The casually dressed boating type continued, “I forked over the price of a case of expensive 'marina beer' and they were true to their word. It never happened to me again!”

The Canadian had a $20 bill in his hand and asked the casually dressed boating type what kind of beer he liked. The three left the store immediately and the minute they were gone I started laughing because I knew what the old salt said. 'Tie two ropes of equal lengths to a milk carton. Secure one to the aft Starboard cleat and the other to the aft Port cleat. Throw the milk carton off the stern and go to sleep. The milk carton will act like a drogue in the current and will stop the boat from pumping.

It wouldn't have cost the Canadian a case of beer, either because I was the ''Bosun' in that locker and not allowed to accept tips. “Now watch your step as you exit the Way-back Machine!”  

This blog/column is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. All images are merely for humor and not meant to comment on subject. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. Do not read while operating a vehicle or heavy machinery. Keep sending those great questions and comments! (Contact) boatguied@aol.com