Boating Crunchy goes to Tortugas

Cap'n Crunch should be the best boater in the 'Dead End Canal Yacht Club' if time on the water, education and experience means anything. He spent 20 years in the Coast Guard and even though most of it was behind a desk, he's been operations officer aboard two CG boats over his career. His hands on experience was in Vietnam aboard an 82' Cutter which assisted the U.S. Navy during inshore operations.

To listen to Crunchy you'd think he was a second Audey Murphy. During some riverboat duty, he single-handedly captured several boat loads of North Vietnamese infiltrators. He doesn't think he served anywhere near John Kerry, the traitor (his words) and donated money to the 'Swift Boat' bunch. A card carrying 'Tea Party Member' who makes his wife display right wing bumper stickers on her older American made car because he won't have them on his newer Mercedes.

Why he agreed to join our little flotilla to the 'Dry Tortugas' this year is beyond most of the clubs comprehension. Possibly he believed Commodore 'Pensacola Slim' Jim when he promised, not really promised, to accompany him on his boat. It was a stretch, a convivial aside to a direct question, “Will you go with me to the DT's?” I am sure the Commodore didn't misunderstand the Dry Tortugas for the Delirium Tremors, even though Crunchy drinks enough to have them.

“Of course, I'll go with you! Love to, when do we leave.” The back-sliding began the minute the date, which is later in the month than we normally leave, was announced. Circumstances prevailed. Important meetings and prior commitments besides being trapped on a boat with him for 7 or 8 days eliminated any possibility. For a time we thought Cap'n Crunch would back out but an old Coast Guard comrade volunteered.

I bumped into the Cap'n in Publix's liquor store. He had a load of Rum and cases of Diet Coke in a cart. I could tell he was provisioning his boat because he wouldn't be seen with that much booze at one time for fear of losing his pension. “Going on an extended cruise to the Dry Tortugas. My crew drinks way to much but you have to keep the crew happy, ha ha ha,” Crunchy said to the disinterested clerk. Seeing me didn't make his day. He swiped his Delta frequent flier credit card and left with barely a nod.

“You don't care how much booze people buy, do you,” I asked the clerk as he bagged my single bottle of Evan Williams sour mash. “Don't care a bit, that'll be $20.19, you want a bag?” I'll do my serious liquor shopping in Cape Coral.

I won't see any other provisioning of his boat. They are very private people who are afraid of the government. Years ago he had aluminum foil wrapped around the phone wire coming into his house. He said it jammed the interception of the government spy agencies. It didn't bother him a bit that his pension was government issued. The wife's coal mine inheritance helped a little with his toys.

Run-aground Ralph was supposed to go but they couldn't lock him down. Crunchy's 32 foot Cruiser wasn't nearly as big as the 40' Jersey obviously so storage was an issue. It also had gas engines which are initially cheaper than diesel engines but in my opinion they are less efficient and dangerous, as is kaboom!

So, it's just the old Cap'n and his buddy Walter leaving a day before us. No one is sure why.

Anyway, I talked to a guy at the Pukin' Pelican' last night who is heading for New Zealand, with a stop in Cuba, aboard a 40 something sailboat. He's docked just a short way off and he showed me around the boat a while back. He's really going someplace because he has the back deck loaded with water and fuel 5 gallon jugs. “I just hired a Captain to get me to Cuba and through the canal,” he said. We reminisced about Cuba and he wished he'd known I knew Marina Hemingway so well. “I'd have hired you!”

There are times in your life that you want to focus on people and that was one of them. Maybe he always had sunglasses on before but then he didn't and his eyes were yellow as my 1971 Caprice. I wondered if the newly hired Captain had noticed?

I hope he keeps his sunglasses on when he checks in at Marina Hemingway because they are suspicious of people with diseases like Hep C. Maybe it's just the booze?

Boatguy Ed (boatguiEd@aol.com) is a manufacturer of the worlds BEST anti-fouling bottom paint,www.supershipbottom.com. TWEET me @boatguyed and a corresponding web site ishttp://www.boatingbyboatguyed.com/........ NEVER, EVER TRY TO BUY HIM A DRINK!

This column is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. Do not read while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment.