Boating is...Increase In Boating Accidents?

Boating is...Increase In Boating Accidents?

By boatguy Ed

    We were sitting in the 'Pukin Pelican' last Sunday when the building shook hard enough to spill a small amount of beer from 'Waukee Bill's' full beer. “Jeeez!” He shouted and ran around towards the docks. Beer is especially precious to people from Wisconsin and we were sure he was going to extract a payment from whomever.

    'Run-aground' Ralph had been smoking (yes he's back smoking) out by the docks and he filled Bill in on the crash landing. “It was a deck boat rental boat, came in fast and left even faster,” laughed Ralph. He was so happy it wasn't him shaking the building.

    'Waukee Bill' stomped back into the bar. “Who rents a boat to such a lousy driver?”

    “Did he hit another boat,” 'Cuyahoga Hank' asked. When Bill told him there wasn't another boat involved.    

   “Well sit down and let me watch the Browns lose another game, will ya?” Our group is heavy with Ohioans, especially on NFL Sundays because the Browns suck so badly that they never are shown on regular TV.

     'Auxiliary George' was reading a Coast Guard Axillary boating magazine instead of watching most of the television sets tuned to the Cleveland Browns, others sets displayed the rest of the early games. “I think there are more boating accidents than ever!” 'Cuyahoga Hank's' mouth hung open in a self-censored gape. AG was our designated driver and it would have been a terrible miscue to admonish him.

    'Gangsta Bruce' waited until there was a six commercial break to inquire about the increased boating accidents. “What does you tink causes dat, George?” (I apologize for the poor spelling and ungrammatical, yet accurate, depiction of his speech. He claims he's a tough guy from Youngstown, Ohio but don't they all)

    “Inexperience, people are dying because they don't know what they're doing,” answered AG. “Here we go again with the boater's education and licensing speech. There aren't more accidents, just more agencies reporting the same accidents. Let's please drop this until half time,” 'Cuyahoga Hank' pleaded. We all agreed to prove him wrong then.

    The smart phones lit up as most of us tech-enabled old guys were about to show the power we had over our tech-challenged neighbors. In a matter of seconds the facts were shining out from my i Phone 5. When 'Cuyahoga Hank' stopped pounding the table we all looked up and realized it was half time.

   “Hank, there are more accident reported because there are more accidents. If you want to see the figures, I'll send them to your e-mail account,” I said. He tried to grab my i Phone 5 but there was no way I'd let his chicken wing greasy fingers to get a hold of it.

   “There have been some spectacular accidents, remember the football players who died off Tampa Bay. They tried to pull up the stuck anchor with the stern cleat,” said “Hillary Clinton.” Not her real name, Clinton I mean.

  “Yeah and dem 27 dopes in da thoooty two foot boat dat capsized and dead them three kids,” said 'Gangsta Bruce.' (I again apologize for the poor spelling and ungrammatical, yet accurate, depiction of his speech. That's what passes for English in Poland, Ohio)

Just then, most of us were distracted by a new waitress, “Go Ohio,” she chirped at 'Cuyahoga Hank' who was wearing an OSU t-shirt. The conversation sank into melancholy, maudlin and schmaltzy recollections of a place that doesn't exist but is laboriously spelled out by fellow expats while watching football.

“That's what it's all about,” said 'Auxiliary George' as he watched Hank try to get the waitress and a few of her friends to go boating with him. “Just the slightest possibility of seeing a young girl in a bikini will blur every bit of safety concern.”

  Waukee Bill' patted Hanks shoulder and chuckled as he thought about the impossible task to which he aspired. “Nice try but not gonna happen. That guy who hit the dock was probably distracted by something similar.”

  Hank objected, “I've never hit a dock that hard, bikini or not. And I've had my share of bikinis aboard.”

  “Why would those boys have tried to pull the anchor loose by the stern cleat? Why not just cut the rode as the seas swelled,” asked 'Gangsta Bruce' forgetting his tough guy persona.

  “Didn't want to pay for a new anchor and rope so they paid with their lives,” I said. What do you think? boatguyEd@gmail.com

Boatguy Ed is an avid boater, past Commodore of the “Dead End Canal Yacht Club” and manufacturer of the best bottom paint, Super Shipbottom, www.supershipbottom.com