Boating is...by boatguy Ed Fort Myers Beach is a satirical site!

At our Friday weekly "Dead End Canal Yacht Club" happy hour meeting we had several 'snowbird' members attend and we were confused? Punxsutawney Phil and Chicago Bob were warmly greeted and we listened intently to the summer stories of grand kids and boating adventures. "I had to get away from my grand daughters wedding plans," said Phil. "I buried my brother in June," said Bob, "and I needed my beautiful Fort Myers beach to cheer me up!" We all felt terrible for Bob but we were especially sympathetic to poor Phil. Funerals last 3 days, mourning may go on indefinitely but weddings are horrendous events for the brides family. “ They want me to wear a tuxedo and for Betty and I to renew the wedding vows. I said NO. Okay to the Tuxedo so Betty can wear a new fancy dress but after 40 years of marriage there is no reason to do over the wedding vow. Hell, I might change my mind. She ain't the same broad I married!” S...

Boating by boatguy Ed A casual acquaintance collared me the other day at a popular watering hole and insisted that I listen to his 'undying desire' to own a boat. The word undying triggered long lost memories, some fond. some painful. If you're around the water long enough you'll meet enthusiasts like my friend and every other type of boater. I'm not talking about the beloved weekend boater with a 19 foot Barslammer and 2.2 kids and a third wife. No, I'm talking about working boaters and cruising boaters and dead boaters. Dying on a boat suddenly raises the living status of the most low of low life's. I knew a nasty back deck shrimper who went missing during a storm. He was memorialized by the same people he harassed when he was alive. He was an extreme case for sure. The news media grabs onto stories of boating stupidity and tries to make the people who died or nearly died into heroes. Endangering yourself and others would be called...

It's been a bad week for “Run-aground Ralph” (a charter member of the 'Dead End Canal Yacht Club') especially last Friday. He was on the way to our hospital conglomerate fro a problem with a very serious personal issue. Since he doesn't use the ATM, he always goes inside to the teller window and so he did at an unfamiliar branch. While waiting in line, several bank employees noticed a huge bulge in his shorts. So huge that even his Bahama shirt couldn't conceal it. When he got to the window he passed the young female teller a deposit slip and a check. “Don't shoot,” she cried out loud while piling the money from her cashier's drawer into the win. “What...? The cold barrel of the guards gun cut him short. Suddenly, uniformed Ft Myers Police burst into the bank and threw poor Ralph to the floor. Six of them jumped on his back while one of them tried to handcuff the 73 year old. All Ralph could do was scream in pain. He'd landed on his m...

Boating As a young lad I fancied myself a tough guy. I have a short history of accomplishments that mostly bears out my assumption even tho I was never as tough as some of my friends. That was 50 years ago. I set limits and stayed within. Never kicked anyone on the ground and always let them back up w/o hitting them when they were most vulnerable. I thought I was a good guy wearing a white hat, a peacemaker when I was a bouncer and I always took the underdogs side of the dust-up! Today the rules have changed. I watch the MMA cage fights and get really burned up. Those 'Frogs' fight with their feet and f+*ck with their tongues! And it is vicious and wrong. I never stood by while a defenseless combatant was pummeled like that even if it was my guy doing the pummeling! After I or my friends pulled the pummeler off, he would have the option of continuing with one of us. Never happened! That is why I am at a loss to understand who continues to kick me now that I'm down. ...

Well maybe not fired. "We've decided to go in a different direction!" Immediately after this column ran? I always figured this was the reason despite her denial. Go figure? Nearly 10 years down their drain and a lot of unhappy readers but I was happy! Boating; Religion's Big Days and Disappointments by boatguy Ed This should get a few letters. I have one absolute in my life – NO POLITICS OR RELIGION in bars. Since I'm not in a bar as I write this, that rule doesn't apply. To say I'm disappointed in ALL religions is an understatement but my biggest disappointment has to do with a member/Chaplain of the “Dead End Canal Yacht Club.” The 'Reverend' has let us down on two recent occasions. He is or has been our tea sipping designated driver and permanent Chaplain. But He's struggled with staying on the wagon lately while acting as designated boat driver. On St. Patrick's Day he volunteered to drive his tri-toon boat while a sm...

"What a bunch of CRAP," said Fighting Joe as he read the latest on Donald Trump's declaration against Senator McCain, "hero or no hero, it's all Political bullshit!" "Now we'll get the true scoop of poop from our old front line troops," said 'Nam Norm'! "I was there and proud of it," said Joe as he spit on my garage floor. The argument escalated between Norm and Joe even as I threw Joe a garage rag. He threw it back. "Wipe up your spit or get the fuck out," I shouted as I threw the rag back," this ain't the cleanest garage but if my wife saw you do that we'd never use it again!" "So settle the argument, boatguy," said Cap'n Crunch," is McCain a hero or not?" "Of course he's a hero   not because he flew combat aircraft and risked his life. Not because he was shot down and held captive. Not because he was often tortured for 5 years BUT because he turned down  o...

Boating boatguy Ed Donlin These few statistics are hard to ignore if you are a boating guy. First, 75% of the choice about which boat to buy is made by the women of the family! Second, 90% of the choice to get out of boating is made by women! Let me explain, you see the first statistic deals with the final choice between several models of boats. The female partner in the deal usually has the final choice in the brand, color scheme and equipment. That is a lot of power to have but it’s okay with me!The fact that it is a fishing boat had to be established earlier. The second statistic has to do with the reason that families get out of boating. “If Mama ain’t happy, nobodies happy,” my gray haired daddy used to say! Getting woman on the water isn’t a chore because they usually like boats but they don’t like to be uncomfortable unless they are sailor, sailors! We should plan our outings with their comfort firmly planted in our brains. We should consider any tendencies to b...