The Column that got me fired from the Fort Myers Beach Observer, maybe?

Well maybe not fired. "We've decided to go in a different direction!" Immediately after this column ran? I always figured this was the reason despite her denial. Go figure? Nearly 10 years down their drain and a lot of unhappy readers but I was happy!

Boating; Religion's Big Days and Disappointments

by boatguy Ed

This should get a few letters. I have one absolute in my life – NO POLITICS OR RELIGION in bars. Since I'm not in a bar as I write this, that rule doesn't apply. To say I'm disappointed in ALL religions is an understatement but my biggest disappointment has to do with a member/Chaplain of the “Dead End Canal Yacht Club.” The 'Reverend' has let us down on two recent occasions. He is or has been our tea sipping designated driver and permanent Chaplain. But He's struggled with staying on the wagon lately while acting as designated boat driver.

On St. Patrick's Day he volunteered to drive his tri-toon boat while a small group of us went on a St. Pat's pub crawl. Half way through he was caught sneaking a 'Car Bomb!' A half ounce of Jameson's Irish Whiskey, half ounce of Bailey's Irish Cream in a one ounce shot glass which is then dropped into a glass of Guinness Stout Beer. What a mess but definitely an alcoholic drink. Our group immediately put the 'Reverend' under suspicion. He was watched carefully by all of us. In a matter of no time, it was clear we were stranded and had to send a taxi after 'Boston Bob's wife so we could continue the crawl as the designated driver.

You never feel the pain of betrayal until it hits home. The 'Reverend' is a retired minister in the non-secular 'Church of the United in Christ.' Almost every religion has disappointed someone. St. Patrick supposedly chased the snakes out of Ireland but let the most venomous creatures remain. And to this day the Brits still control the north of Ireland. Yet they celebrate a whole day of prayer and subdued worship in Ireland where it is a religious holiday.

No, not in this country. The main objective here is to eat a pound or more of 'Corned Beef' covered with over cooked cabbage and potatoes. Not to mention wearing foolish costumes and drinking green beer.

I hope you don't feel that I am bashing religion, especially Catholicism in this column. I'm trying to be fair and balanced about this. A little pro and a little con.

Last week was a period full of religious fervor. The election of a new Pope and then St. Patrick's Day. Joyous celebrations surrounded both events and many people of all faiths joined in. A week definitely slanted toward the Catholics but celebrated by more than just them 'Mackerel Snappers.' (Term adopted by the Nun in 'Heaven Knows Mr. Allison)

At ease, at ease, I was raised as one. The full boat, Baptism through altar boy through High School. To say I am a fallen Catholic isn't quite accurate, I've actually transferred to another sector of the belief in one God. It isn't 'Catholic Light' either but the oldest mono-theistic religions still around. 

That's all I'll say about that. We aren't allowed to proselytize.

The new Pope Francis, formerly Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Argentina, is a Jesuit. They are akin to God's Marines and defenders of the poor and downtrodden. Jesuits are Catholicism's teachers who have started thousands of Universities around the world. I had several Jesuit Priests as teachers in High School. They were hard to like and because of several misunderstandings, didn't like me. Anyway, Pope Francis is being called the 'Pope for Change' and only time will tell if he will liberalize the Churches teaching and allow women priests, married priests and give all that gold buried underneath the Vatican to the poor. I wouldn't bet on any of it!

He's a man of the people but he's also been accused of staying silent during Argentina’s' so called dirty war. Even Jesuit priests were 'taken' and tortured for years without his open condemnation of those acts. During a very recent trial for some of the sadists that operated one heinous secret prison, the accused wore ribbons celebrating the new Pope's election. I'm not sure that helps the new Pope's image.

In all fairness, Pope Francis wasn't the first to turn a blind eye to murder and torture. In fact he may have been just following time honored procedure when dealing with murderous dictators. Pope Pius XII kept the Vatican neutral during the Holocaust even though his flock was among those killed by the Nazis. The six million Jews took the brunt of the mass executions but Catholics, Gypsies and almost anyone who the Nazis deemed unworthy, faced death.

We all agree that these horrible acts were beyond the scale of human-kind. The Devil must have made them do it. And that is what 'The Reverend' told us when we confronted him about breaking his 'designated driver' pledge. Forget Flip Wilson, he was serious. He left us stranded, not on a desert isle but at a place that we were really 'ready to leave.'

Nothing and no one in this world is perfect. We could all use a bit of change in our lives. Even though I think I'm perfect, deep down inside I know I must have a flaw or two. As an example, I'm growing impatient with our winter visitor's driving skills and have actually blown my horn on an occasion. I'll work on that for next season but “how can we miss you if you won't go away.”

My fellow 'DECYC' members have disavowed this column. They won't be quoted even though some of their quotes were gems. They don't want lightning to strike them. I don't believe in God's immediate retribution because he would have surely used it on Hitler and all the other murderous despots and maybe even a few religious leaders.

The 'Reverend' is completely repentant and vows to remain sober during our waterborne pub crawls but we'll have to have a back-up designated driver on-board for a while.

Boatguy Ed (boatguiEd@aol.com) is a manufacturer of the worlds BEST anti-fouling bottom paint, www.supershipbottom.com. NEVER, EVER TRY TO BUY HIM A DRINK!

This column is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. Do not read while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment.