Boating is...by boatguy Ed Fort Myers Beach is a satirical site!

I remember Christmas when it was really Christmas and Santa left the presents. When three young boys peeked around the railing on the  landing of  the stairs'. There before us, in the false dawn of a snowy morning, was an array of wrapped presents so magnificent that it was a wonder our hearts didn't explode. Not that many times in my life did my heart react that way. After puberty, it always had to do with a young girl. And like the promise of all those presents, the heart settled down after realizing it wasn't all for me. Until I met my wife, that is! All the presents under and around the tree were for me and my two brothers and two sisters. There was usually a lone, fully assembled bicycle w/o wrapping but with a Christmas bow and a note from Santa. Almost yearly if the mill hadn't been on strike for part of the year. One step forward and two steps back. I don't believe we bum rushed the pile of presents. If we had gone down at all we w...

“The closer you get to the top, the nearer you are to the bottom,” said a wise man once. I used to think that it was double speak until I started doing the 'Boating Show on TV'. It aired on the Florida Sunshine channel and almost made it onto the Speed channel. I went to the Atlantic City Boat Show to promote my product, Super Shipbottom Antifouling Bottom Paint and the television show. Someone from the Trump Atlantic City Marina and Casino offered free room and lodging in exchange for promos on our show. Very nice room, a stack of chips, fruit basket and a limo to take us to the Convention center and back each day. I even had an escort in the resort. It took a couple of days for the advertising department to figure out I was very small potatoes. The limo was first to go and then the in house escort and finally the complimentary room service but by then I was checking out. For a day and a half I was quite near the top but I knew I was riding a shrinking wave so I pl...

Taken from the Lockheed "Star", 1943: The following was written by Tech. Sgt. Robert H. Bryson, Radio Operator-Gunner, while on an unescorted mission in a B-17 Flying Fortress over North Africa. Oh, Hedy Lamarr is a beautiful gal, And Madeleine Carrol is too. But you'll find, if you query, a different theory amoungst any bomber crew. For the loveliest thing of which one could sing this side of the Heavenly Gates, is no blonde or brunette of the Hollywood set,                                                  but an escort of P-38s. Yes, in days that have passed, when the tables were massed With glasses of scotch or champagne, It's quite true that the sight was a thing to delight us, Intent upon feeling no pain. But no longer the same, nowadays, in this game, When we head north from Messlina Straights, Take the sparkling wine--every time just make this min...

I am going to be so happy when the Ghouls night is over this year. It all seems so phony when you've experienced the real thing. When I was a teenager we had real ghosts and goblins. There weren't tourist maps but there were local legends galore. Along Pa. Route 351 between Elwood City and New Galilee a disfigured figure would walk nightly. Near a popular reservoir there were many roads that were disrupted by the body of water so the dead ended or were diverted. The rolling country gave the roads a coaster feel. Legend had it that a hunter many years before mistook a small girl for some type of game and shot her. She died many days later and haunted the lonely country road. I shook hands with both of those legends so I don't fear Hollywood's phony boooo! stories. Dracula, suck on this! Wolf-man, go chase a truck! But I am a little Leary of Frankenstein's Monster just because he's not a ghost but is somewhat viable with the advancement of modern science....

We members of the 'Dead End Canal Yacht Club' landed at the Pukin' Pelican dock at 4 pm. Our designated driver, the Reverend had an appointment with a roofer at 6 pm and he was adamant we go out earlier. So, we figured an hour of sipping on brew at the Pelican and then a 15 minute run up the back bay to our new favorite, the Nauti Parrot Dock Bar. The 'Super Happy Hour' starts at 5 pm and it is as good a deal as you'll find everywhere. Regular Happy Hour starts shortly after noon when draft beers are $3 from 5 to 7 pm they drop to $2. “I'm telling you,” the Reverend said forcefully, “you'd better get an UBER account before Daylight Savings time ends on November 5 th . My eyes don't work so good after sundown!” “None of our eyes do,” said Jersey Jake. I spoke up and told them all how well my eyes work now that I got new Cadillax or Cataracts or eye lens. Whatever they are, they are a miracle, I swear. 'Crazy Alice' t...

Times, they are a-changing'! They surely are. Why just yesterday I watched a fellow in a Green Bay jersey splitting a seafood Pizza with a fellow wearing a Minnesota Viking jersey while watchin' them play each other at the Nauti Parrot Dock Bar. They got along good, not great but there was nary a punch thrown but plenty of good natured kidding. I discovered that they were next door neighbors and displayed their favorite teams pennant right up to the 55plus Condo Commando's by law rules. They may have been rebels in their youths but they were law-abiding senior citizens now. My wife, Masochistic Marion, was parked right in front of a big screen television so she couldn't miss one teeny, weeny bit of pain and disappointment of the Cleveland Bums! I was there to enjoy her enthusiasm or despair. As my friends and family can attest she is a better show than the game. But yesterday, Sunday October 15, 2017, she didn't put on much of a show!   No holleri...

Dateline; October 2017 “I'm a little tired of 2017 if you ask me,”said Texarkana Hanna as she sipped a fresh mug of coffee from the club house's new coffee maker. The old one was run to death during Irma off of my generator. “Now we have another storm brewing and maybe coming our way. My niece's husband is still in the hospital in Las Wages, Nevada and my gardener's grandson was hit in the eye by a package of flying paper towels in Puerto Rico.” “Things are tough all over,” said Cap'n Crunch, “but we have to buck up and out ride the evil doers!” “So, you blame just the shooter in Vegas? Not the gun manufacturers nor the Congressmen who won't change the law,” asked Boston Bob. “There you Liberals go again, trying to take our rights away from us,” said Run-aground Ralph. “The second Amendment guarantees us the right to bear arms. We have States rights on our side, too!” “Nobody got hit in the eye by a package of paper towels,” said Indy C...

I sure hope you and yours are okay after Irma tore through Florida. Sorry for not updating this blog more often but we were all discombobulated for a while. No one on the 'Dead End Canal' died or suffered major damage although everyone suffered some. Seawalls, trees and pool cages were the worst hit along the canal. Roof tiles and shingles flew around and crashed against the streets and houses. Most of us left. We did too but only to take advantage of our Son and Daughter-in-Law's second story in case those hysterical weather-holes were some how right about the scientifically impossible storm surge. My wife and I stayed to see all the boats in the canal low and dry. No water, where did it go? Sunday, we split for higher ground, reluctantly. No one had power since early Sunday morning. FPL you assholes! So we sat in front of their open front door and watched the 'cane go by thanks to their recessed alcove! Cell phone service stopped early Monday morning...

What is a 'Snug Harbor?' Merriman-Webster's Dictionary defines a snug harbor as a cozy comfortable retreat;  especially   :   a home for retired seamen. That isn't it at all! I have always thought of it as a secure cove with good holding ground for one or two anchors and easy access to the beach or town. My fellow 'Dead End Canal Yacht Club' members have different definition depending on their financial status and type of boat. Most sailors agree with my description. The holding ground (bottom) is most important. Not many anchorages have everything. If you have chartered in 'the islands,' you've probably seen the chart of the nearby islands and their anchorages desirability rating. Some use a scale of 1 to 10, others A to Z but all are very helpful. It's very tempting to pass up a crowded anchorage for an empty cove but you'd better check the rating. If a rock slide had covered the bottom near shore during a long forgotten...

We welcomed the 'Reverend' back from Corpus Christi, Texas last night with a fish dinner at the 'Dead End Canal Yacht Club' club house which is my triple wide garage. Wife gets one end and since I park my truck outside, the club gets the first two for the meetings and beer kegs. “I almost wish I could start drinking again,” said the Reverend as he sipped on his Mountain Dew, “the things I've seen is the Devil's work.” “I thought it was Climate change,” said Run-aground Ralph sarcastically. The way we glowered at him made him go for another free Bud Lite. 'Hypocrite' the Reverend mumbled as Ralph walked away. “I 'tasked' (text ask) him for a donation while I was out there and he said 'He gave at the office.' He's a Christian in name only, him and that Cap'n Crunch.” The Rev went back to the Butter and Onion Grouper. It is his favorite and we've had the Grouper on ice for quite a while. Texarkana Hanna...

The oldest living member of the 'Dead End Canal Yacht Club' is named 'Tail Gunner Joe' because he was a crew member on Flying Fortress' over Europe. His favorite war movie is Catch 22 even though he thinks it is silly and isn't sure what is really trying to say. Carol married him in 1946 after he was through with all of that. She died last year at the age of 91. She had lived with her youngest daughter off and on for the last fifteen years. Carol suffered from Dementia and finally died in a Florida nursing facility. She hadn't recognized Joe in years. Joe would only talk to the women members about Carol but we got the story second hand. She wrote him during his second tour. She was in High School but they became enamored with each other quickly. “She was wise beyond her years and in her last letters to her soldier she planned their wedding,” our wives told us. Joe bailed out over Germany while returning from a raid late in that war. All but tw...

“Do you wonder what or who you were in a previous life,” someone will always ask at the Dead End Canal Yacht Club Pirate Night party.  http://www.culpeppernautical.com/home The fog always appears in the person's eyes as they try to remember. A mist surrounding a harbor light or the fog of warm air over snow on a mountain pass. Sometimes the answer given is more information than the questioner ever wanted. Not everyone could have been a Roman General or Cleopatra's handmaiden but many believe they were. If I was, I don't remember. And I don't really believe in reincarnation but way back in some memory cubbyhole of my mind there is a vague feeling of being shot at and mostly missed, but shit at and mostly hit. Nothing I can put a finger on. The sensation is magnified by my occasional visits to Culpepper & Company Nautical Antiques, Lighting and Decor located in West Palm Beach. From the very first time I stumbled into that run down converted ...