The Yankees are HERE!

We members of the 'Dead End Canal Yacht Club' landed at the Pukin' Pelican dock at 4 pm. Our designated driver, the Reverend had an appointment with a roofer at 6 pm and he was adamant we go out earlier.

So, we figured an hour of sipping on brew at the Pelican and then a 15 minute run up the back bay to our new favorite, the Nauti Parrot Dock Bar. The 'Super Happy Hour' starts at 5 pm and it is as good a deal as you'll find everywhere. Regular Happy Hour starts shortly after noon when draft beers are $3 from 5 to 7 pm they drop to $2.

“I'm telling you,” the Reverend said forcefully, “you'd better get an UBER account before Daylight Savings time ends on November 5^th. My eyes don't work so good after sundown!”

“None of our eyes do,” said Jersey Jake. I spoke up and told them all how well my eyes work now that I got new Cadillax or Cataracts or eye lens. Whatever they are, they are a miracle, I swear.

'Crazy Alice' threw down six mugs of Bud Light and sneered at me, “We don't have no Pabst. Crazy Yankees drank it all!”

“I was hoping this crowd was just some aberration but this is the beginning of Snowbird Season,” I said, “It seems early but the traffic has been getting steady since the Hurricane. I already have another reason for hating snowbirds, no Pabst!”

“Excuse me,” said an old woman at the next table, “were you here for the Irma?” For whom we asked? “For that Hurricane named Irma, were you here on Fort Myers Beach?” Boston Bob said he never heard of a 'Cane named Irma. Cracker Bob wondered if that little blow we had a few weeks back was what she meant. Since his TV is busted, he didn't know?

When we refused to answer anymore of her questions, she turned away and called us rude. Us rude! We never asked her to join our conversation and an 'excuse me' followed up with a question isn't a polite way to ask if she might join in.

“Is it 5 o'clock yet, Dad,” Jersey Jake mimicked a small child trying to hurry us along. “I don't like this place when the service is good but now it's packed, I even like it less!”

“This might be all we have available if the Tax bill passes and the market jumps up 10,000 points more, said Pensacola Slim. The only reason he was allowed on the boat was the “F#ck Trump” button he wore on his 'Make America' hat. “You'd think the Hurricane would make this area less desirable but there are more Snowbirds not less!”

“I like the pretty new waitress' but they aren't fast enough for Alice. The way she's yelling at them they won't last long,” said Texarkana Hanna. “Too many Harvey Weinstein's in this crowd of old Lotharios!”

Pensacola Slim couldn't let that one pass. “Lotharios must have been the word of the day, huh, Hanna?”

“Don't know when the womanizers of this nation will come to realize that acting desperate isn't an aphrodisiac? Woman are suckers for guys who don't pay attention to them. It's the challenge thing,” said Hanna. “Another $5 word picked right out of the Ladies Home Journal, aphrodisiac! If we only knew what the magic aphrodisiac was we could deploy it at our leisure and drink more wine,” said Slim.

“Or just grab 'em where they pee, like Heel Spur does,” said Cracker Bob.

“I never thought you would've followed that train of thought, Bob. President Trump draft dodger up on his promise to the 'Gold Star Family' with the $25,000 today,” said Boston Bob, “the check was written several months after the call but on the same day the fake press called him out on his promise.”

“Leave the poor 'Heel Spur' Commander in Chief alone. He's in charge of all our armed forces and he's got the North Korean dictator on the run,” said a man at the next table where the Irma woman sat.

“...and he a graduate from some bullshit military school for rich kids and bad boys and that qualifies him to lead our troops into battle against 'liddle Rocket Man' or radical Muslim guerrillas in NIGER! He doesn't even know where Niger is, why our troops are there and how to pronounce the fallen heroes name,” said Boston Bob. Sadly, we never made it anywhere else. It's hard to leave when you're having so much fun!

PS; “As Tom Friedman said to day on the morning news, Donald Trump is a Politician with no second paragraph! He spews simplistic talking points but no real solutions. And who knew it would be so hard?”

This blog/column is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. All images are merely for humor and not meant to comment on subject. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. Do not read while operating a vehicle or heavy machinery. Keep sending those great questions and comments! (Contact) boatguied@aol.com