Boating is...by boatguy Ed Fort Myers Beach is a satirical site!

“What is wrong with this country,” asked Texarkana Hanna, “why can't it be like the old days?” “Old days like how,” asked Boston Bob, “not like when you had to keep your mouth closed because you were a woman?” “I never kept my mouth shut and I got the false teeth to prove it,” said Hanna reaching into her mouth to pull out her choppers. “Been punched hard by many a man!” Everyone shouted; No, no, no we don't want to see!!!!! “How often have you been Trump Groped?”  “I'm seventy one years young and I got most of my teeth,” said Railroad Tom, “thanks to good Union contracts I had good dental care and good medical care and life insurance!” “What happened to your brain cells? You drank most of them under the bus, didn't you?” said Cap'n Crunch. “I raised a family, stayed with one woman until she died and I have a newer boat than you do, you old degenerate,” said Tom. “My only regret is that I was a cheapskate. I wish I'd spent ...

“Oh, what a terrible week it's been,” said Tex Arkana Hanna as she downed another shot of Fireball Whiskey at the Pukin' Pelican today. “He's going to win no matter what! The liberal press can lie all about him they want, use doctored video and audio and make fun of Trump on Saturday Night Live but when my good union dues paying brothers vote, it'll be for Trump all the way,” said Railroad Tom. “My brother in-law retired from Youngstown Sheet and Tube in Youngstown, Ohio and his house looks like Donald Trump Headquarters,” said Pittsburgh Mike. “I wonder if he'll be taking any of it down now that Trump has been exposed for buying illegaly dumped Chinese steel for the new building just blocks from the White House,” asked Boston Bob who wasn't wearing any Red Sox logos after Cleveland eliminated them from the playoffs. Then Run-aground Ralph landed his boat at the dock and disembarked wearing his red Trump hat. As he came in the side door, we sa...

 As the Snowbird members of our beloved 'Dead End Canal Yacht Club' drift into town, we year rounders are at a loss for explanation about the “State of the Beach.” The road construction is ongoing without an apparent end in site, many of our favorite watering holes are on shaky ground and that layer of government that was not supposed to impact our lives, HAS! And several restaurants are falling behind in their promises! The 'Best of the Beach' is a contest that is somehow rigged by the restaurants themselves. So the best breakfast on the beach might not be. We don't know how they do it but the awarding newspapers have to be involved because even Stevie Wonder could detect fraud from Xeroxed ballots in the same handwriting. From One of the Beach Places with Boot in their name but NOT from the one that Claims to have the Best Ribs ! “Who has the best BBQ,” asked a tourist. “I see the electronic sign on the approach of the beach declaring they have 'ho...

Boating by boatguy Ed Donlin When it comes time to sell your boat will it be worth what you expect? The happiest days in a boater’s life are the day they buy the boat and the day they sell it. So, selling a boat should be on every boat owners mind even if selling is in the future. One might hope that someone who just has to have your boat stops you along the waterway but that rarely happens. What you do to your boat months and maybe years before you sell it affects the sale. Did you ever wonder why some boats sell quickly and others take a lot longer? The owners of the fast selling boats did a better job of maintaining their boat and they were able to prove it. The difference in the selling price between two 1999 Barslammer 24 walk-around cuddy cabin boats can be significant. A quick stroll around a used boat lot will show you that similar boats might start out around the same price but one boat usually has a “motivated seller” attached to it because it has been o...

Last week Run-aground Ralph took the cover off his 'Zoomnoshit 34 footer' and the three 250 hp Yamaha Outboards which has sat on his boat lift for all of last summer. “He must have met a new, hot, potential ex-Mrs. Ralph in Miami.” “He spent the summer on South Beach looking for another 'Hot Tamale' and all indications suggest he found one,” said Pittsburgh Mike. “I'm tired of hauling him around and listening to him bitch about the heat.” “Never offers to pay for an ounce of fuel and insists on going where he wants too,” said 'Texarkana Hanna'. “Why don't you snatch him up and put him in his place,” said ' N ouveau Riche  Neville' to Hanna. (Background; Neville is the newest member of the 'Dead End Canal Yacht Club' since he bought the house on the first curve of the canal. He is rich because his wife died aboard a private jet owned by the largest software company in Canada.) “I guess all that found money didn't co...

BOATING “It is hotter than hell,” said Meadville Bobby as we sat outside of the 'Pukin Pelican' yesterday. “The temp gauge on my car said 98 degrees as I drove over here.” “Nice breeze coming off that floor fan,” said Deleware Dave, “reminds me of the time I worked in Bethleham Steel around the Blast furnaces.” “I like the view, nice water view,” said Cleveland Jack as he watched a boat load of tourists disembark from a Salty Scam's rental boat. “DON”T DO THAT,” we shouted in unison as one small boy picked up the dock hose. Our warning was heeded and the little boy dropped the hose. But the father picked it up, gave us a 'you can't tell my Son what to do look' and shot a stream at his slightly older daughter who immediatley let out a scream so loud that I'm sure the dock hand at Faulty Sham's heard it. “Water temp must have been near boiling point,” said Delewere Dave. Run-aground Ralph and Captain Crunch limped out the side...

Florida Fish & Wildlife Conservation Commission sent this bulletin at 07/29/2016 11:00 AM EDT For immediate release: July 29, 2016 Photos available on the FWC’s Flickr site:   https://flic.kr/s/aHsjEz2hj2 New at-risk vessel law helps FWC officials manage Florida waterways A new Florida law, approved by the Legislature and Governor during the 2016 Session, will enable county and local authorities along with the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission (FWC) to more effectively manage the state’s waterways. The new law (F.S. 327.4107) allows law enforcement officers to issue non-criminal citations to owners who allow their boats to become “at risk” of becoming derelict. “This law allows officers to take action before a vessel crosses that line between at-risk and derelict, and hopefully prompts the owner to rectify any issues with the vessel before it reaches a state of disrepair,” said Phil Horning, FWC’s derelict vessel program administrator. “Prior to this law be...