Grandmother's Boating Rules

The clenched jawed, white haired woman said,” You aren't taking my Grandchildren 30 0r 40 miles offshore in that 24' boat!”

“Mom, it's brand new, less than a hundred hours on the engine with all the safety equipment that we'll ever need,” the Son replied.

“I put up with you and your Fathers' foolishness because I was outvoted but a Grandmothers vote supersedes everybody,” she retorted.

I started to slink away from the 'Pukin' Pelican's bar but wasn't stealthy nor quick enough. “Tell her boatguy, you've been out there plenty and always made it back,” said the Son.

“He has nothing to say about this. Everybody knows about his fool hardy escapades in small boats or sinking boats BUT he's been plain lucky,” she said with the her Grandmotherly assuredness!

There it was, my out, a clear path to the door. Yes I was lucky and even luckier, I was free because she dismissed me. Did I take it, no! I sat back down and blurted out, ”Lucky yes but skilled, most certainly!”

“Then why don't you go with them! You won't be missed,” she said as she headed for the dock. And that was then end of the discussion. A shrill question and an angry declaration does not win debates except when the declarer is an angry Grandmother protecting the kiddies.

“So, do you want to go,” the Son asked me. I was dumbfounded that he'd ask. Tell me more about the safety equipment, I asked.

He rattled off the standard new boat package, 8 Type one life jackets, anchor with windlass chain spliced to rode, Flare kit, Direct Call VHF and whistle.

“What is the range of the VHF?” He said 30 miles. I said it wasn't because with an antenna 12' off the water and the Coast Guards 100 foot antenna the signal would be about 20 miles maximum. “I understand the principal behind the Direct Call Vhf and I believe in them but they don't work when the batteries are underwater.”

“I guess you got old on me, boatguy,” their Son said. “Without meaning any disrespect you got too careful in your old age?”

“You're right, I'm cautious but not too cautious. I believe in happenstance, like the drug smuggling planes alerting the Coast Guard about a drifting life raft but that was in the old days. Now our radios are supposed to be linked together and every ship at sea is supposed to be monitoring the emergency channels and the VHF will continue to send the emergency message directly to the Coast Guard until the boat is submerged. But 30 to 40 miles out is beyond most VHF's range and if there isn't another boat within 15 miles and I TOLD you it was okay to go, I'd have to move off the Canal and hide from your Mother for the rest of my life!”

“My boys want to go and they deserve a good fishing trip while there on vacation in Florida,” the Son said.

“I understand boy pressure but sometimes you have to man up and say NO! For no better reason than at least one of them will be puking his guts out before you wet a line. One will put a hook through his or his brother's hand while the deck does the Brahma Bull impression and one will lose a pole overboard. None of them are strong enough to pull a big fish up and they'll hate you for torturing them for at least one year!”

They fished the ledges 20 miles out and caught their limit but I never saw one filet?

This blog/column is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. All images are merely for humor and not meant to comment on subject. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. Do not read while operating a vehicle or heavy machinery. Keep sending those great questions and comments! (Contact) boatguied@aol.com