Boating is...by boatguy Ed Fort Myers Beach is a satirical site!

Is boating too complicated and therefore too difficult for the novice? Wouldn’t doing away with antiquated nautical terms and replacing them with everyday terms simplify boating? We all learn the difference between left and right in the first grade and the teachers pounded in our heads that we walk on the right in traffic. So the basics are already learned. Then we buy a boat and things change but why do we have to follow the ancient mariners. We don’t use cotton sails or steam power anymore but we still use terminology that dates back to the Vikings. Starboard is said to be a corruption of the word 'steer-board', which was on the right side of the boat. With the 'steer board' hanging out the side you couldn't come into port on that side or you'd smash the steer-board. So ancient boats came in to Port on the port side of the boat opposite the right side steer-board or starboard, right!  Port and left have four letters so Port and left are the same. And i

So 'the day' is done but the shopping isn't. Early this morning the G-mas and Mommies went to the malls. That was smart because traffic was backing up on Estero around 7am. Since the Dads and G-kids are on vacation the kids slept in until 8am then woke up starving. G-dads brought them to the clubhouse for pancakes, sweet rolls and sausage biscuits. None of them wanted our fried Mullet, eggs and grits breakfast. A quite a few ate on the dock to get away from the smell of cooking fish. We had all three clubhouse coffee makers going. One made hot chocolate, one had Orange Pekoe Tea and the third was straight coffee. My griddle went non-stop until 9:30 am with homemade pancakes injected with dried fruit or fresh blue berries. At least a gallon of syrup was consumed and two huge bowls of Bananas, Oranges and Apples were emptied. As you know the Sun played peek-a-boo with us as we cleaned up. The little ones were excited and ready to go on a boat ride. The older o

How do you get a 3 year olds to bed on Christmas Eve. It's easy, they're begging you to let them. Here comes Santa!!!

The Christmas Eve 'Dead End Canal Yacht Club' breakfast was poorly attended for many reasons mostly because of last night's Christmas party. And the fact that the 'Vegan' neighbors were cooking Omelets at their place. We went and the Omelets were kinda tasty but most member's alcohol damaged senses may have lied to them.   Since the Vegans don't drink and neither Bonita Bill's nor the Moose were serving $5 Bloody Mary's, we quickly adjourned to the clubhouse (my garage) for the hair of the dog and some biscuits with sausage gravy. Our second most favorite southern breakfast, the first being fried Mullet with eggs and garlic Grits. The grease either absorbs the remnants of the over indulgence or expels it in some form. NOT IN THE POOL!!!! Thankfully I've matured enough to temper my intake of alcohol and have remembered the cure-all for hangovers, Alka Seltzer! Plop, plop fizz, fizz. Two of those little darlings in a medium size glass of

There is a place near the beach that is a genuine hard luck joint. Way back it was a shrimper/BBQ palace on Hurricane Pass. After a fire they closed and it was sold to people with money who rebuilt it into a fancy waterfront watering hole and restaurant. It was one of the 'Dead End Canal Yacht Club's' favorite destination. A lot of our members lived in Boardwalk Caper then and some still do. We could walk, drive or boat to this place and we loved it, especially on the return trip. Once Pioneer Pete bought on the Dead End Canal many of us followed him. Of course it wasn't the Dead End Canal then, that came later but it was a great place to be! “I don't know why nobody goes there,” said Cap'n Crunch to the kibitzers watching he and a dockside mechanic (DSM) replace a section of rub rail on his bow. “Last weekend was cool but the sun was shining and there weren't many people there?” We'd all heard the story of the damaged rub rail but Cap'

My wife is a Cleveland Browns fan because, I don't know why? She was born in Pennsylvania but went to college in Ohio and was brainwashed by her dorm mates I guess. She isn't from Ohio and was able to escape without becoming an Ohio State fan. Thank God! So when John, 'Johnny Football', Manziel started for the Browns on Sunday we had to watch. Luckily I don't go to the Bayside Bar and Grill anymore so we couldn't watch while completely immersed in rabid Brown's Backers Dog Pound fans. We went to 'Fort Myers Beach Doc Ford's' and had a great time eating a special football lunch, drinking iced tea and diet Coke. We had front row seats to a TV in the corner and there were even some gentile Browns fans nearby. Everything was good except the game. “Oh my gosh,” my wife said that at least 50 times through 3 quarters. She also questioned the play calling but most vehemently questioned the play of the offensive line. “Can't they block

It's been a time honored tradition among the “Dead End Canal Yacht Club” to give generously during the Christian holidays especially Christmas. Not that we are so homogenous that we exclude Jews or Muslims but the vast majority of our members are Christian so it was natural. Flashback to 2003 and we watched the newer owners sell out for huge profits and the newest owners auctioning off their new purchases. Real Estate agents routinely rang the doorbells and promised fantastic prices. Then 2008 came and 2009 went into the toilet. Nearly half of the canal changed hands once or twice. Only us old timers held on for the ride. Where were we to go with a half a million in our pockets when property values were spiraling upwards at such a pace. The Christmas party of 2006 was easy to remember because so many non-member residents showed up. When the membership committee asked them to sign up, most declined but didn't leave. The free beer and eats were to seductive. “Naw, we&

"I think we should up the spending limit of the clubs gift exchange. Twenty five dollars doesn't go that far anymore," said Hard Luck Hanna from Texarkana. "I disagree," said Cleveland Jack, "we had a mass resignation of exchange participants when it went from $15 to $25. It's hard to believe that we have such shortsighted members but that is what happened." Run-aground Ralph joined the conversation from his Pukin' Pelican bar stool, "Christmas is for family. Not a club activity." "You ain't involved. Go back to Fox News if you don't want in, stay out," said Cracker Bob. We all knew Bob is a fan of Fox 'Fair and Balanced' News so we asked why he was being critical. "Not in a bar, not in a bar. Too may arguments!" "I'm sure glad he's gone," said Hanna. "He's way to proud of his edible panty gifts for the women." "I think he has Alzheimer’s&

Can it be that time of year already? Fort Myers Beach Christmas Boat Parade is this coming Saturday leaving from the Outhouse BBQ in Slimy Sam's Marina. If you detect a little rancor in this blog it is because of Slimy Sam's Marina complex fired their 8 year bookkeeper during her breast cancer treatment. And that is why none, zero, of the "Dead End Canal Yacht Club" members will participate. Who ever heard of such a disgraceful action. She was involved in active chemo therapy when she lost her insurance because she was fired. Contrary to rumors, Slimy Sam's Marina didn't fight her unemployment. Not even they could sink that low! Some of our members will join the parade in progress by intercepting them at Doc Fords. And most of our members will have a few beers there rather than Slimy Sam's Marina and the Outhouse BBQ. (This blog/column is meant for educational purposes only.  Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Oh those optimists! A slew of new restauranteurs have moved onto Fort Myers Beach and surrounding areas. From a casual observation it seems that most are ex-pat Michiganders. Most noticeably, the new owners of the Fish Monger and the new occupants of the old Channel Mark named Dock 'O Bay. The Monger has been partially remodeled and the menu revamped but they kept the best of the old place especially the fresh fish right off the boat. I don't speak Michigander so the menu at the new Monger has some strange words like 'boat' for potato skin and 'Creel' for basket. Partner/Owner Shelly has been in Florida for 30 years but still hangs onto a rustic ex-Pat Michigander style. Her Partner/Owner is the chef and he has added many delicious dishes and they've added some very interesting deals. Dock 'O Bay didn't have much to grow from because the previous restaurant was doomed by their menu. They have a wide variety and seem to be relying on the view