Boating; Goodby John

It was a sad day when we laid poor Alaska John down! He was one of the founding members of the "Dead End Canal Yacht Club." He'd visited Florida in his 30's and loved the warm place he dreamed of when working in Alaska. Even though he was born in Missouri the Alaska name stuck.

He spent winters here at first because the fishing was so good. Alaska in the summer and Florida in the winter for many years. Then he retired and moved permanently to his small house on a canal off the Caloosahatchee river. He loved the gatherings of the club but was a very infrequent visitor to our "Dead End Canal Yacht Club" in the last few years of his life.

John's wife and three of his four children preceded him. His youngest daughter (61 years young) and his grandson (41) and three of his great grandchildren (20 - 18 & 16) attended the memorial service at the crematorium. The room was covered with pictures of this handsome man who lived life to the fullest if not exactly by the good book. The video taping by his great grandson was bit a bizarre but we'd later learn that a video memory was to be sent to all of his legitimate and other heirs who couldn't attend.

"My father would want his ashes scattered at sea," his daughter declared during her eulogy that some might have thought was a little too lighthearted and critical. None of us thought he was an angel but he hadn't ever brought up his marriage to her mother nor his trysts with a number of other women; two who claimed common law status.

After most of the family left, Alaska John's daughter handed the urn to our current Commodore and said "Dump this in the damned Caloosahatchee, okay?" I guess he spent more time on the river than he did with his extensive family. In his last few years all he wanted to talk about was how badly the river had declined in both quality and fish stock.

Commodore Bob promised to fulfill her wish and that is when this story got interesting. We were all convinced that dumping the ashes into the river would violate the clean air and water act because portions of the river can be used as community drinking water. We decided to hold a special, emergency meeting of the club to discuss the procedures. We should have banned alcohol because it turned into a blubbering fest.

Every boater wants his ashes spread at sunrise on an outgoing tide with a piper playing Amazing Grace and his loved ones in attendance saying the lords prayer. It seldom turns out that way but it can't hurt to want. Since many of us had performed this feat once the Commodore opened the floor to a forum hoping a consensus would take place. Some members performed the act for loved ones and they were the most heart wrenching stories.

Others, like myself performed the act for friends or strangers. Commodore Bob brought a protocol he found posted on the Internet by several boat Captains on how the act should be undertaken and what words and music should be used. It is quite detailed and designed to wet every eye on board. I guess it would make for a better tip if the person paying the Captain was balling uncontrollably while counting out the money. (See Florida Sportsman Forum; "Burial at Sea")

"I found a reference to the EPA and it's requirement that all disposals be registered with them," said 'Ear Hook Dwayne' our younger member who adorns his head with spare fishing tackle. "The burial site has to be at least 3 miles offshore and flowers and wreaths have to be readily decomposable and the ashes may be enclosed in a sink-able papermache urn according to the Marine Protection, Research and Sanctuary Act of 1972!"

"Do you mean we just can't go out passed Sanibel and dump him and christen the sight with Champagne," asked Run-aground Ralph who had been a frequent visitor to Alaska John in the nursing home.

"Don't tell me I illegally buried my Father at sea? I don't believe it," shouted Islamorada Phil. There was a great outcry among the members and some of us thought it was just 'Ear Hook Dwayne's' way of pulling our legs but after a quick check we determined he was right.

"What's the big deal? It's a form you print off their website and mail into them within 30 days of the burial," I argued. "We'll plan a fish trip in November and take the remains with us. He liked his beer so we'll toast him and then pour a little in among the floating ashes!" We all agreed. So he'll have his 'legal' burial at sea! Boat Safe!

Boatguy Ed ( boatguiEd@aol.com ) is the manufacturer of the worlds BEST anti-fouling bottom paint, www.supershipbottom.com. Former Producer, Director, Star and the guy who swept up on the "Boating Show" 1995 to 2000. 

Producer/Director/Editor of "Dining out SWFL" and "Boater's Treasures TV." 
TWEET me @boatguyed and a corresponding web site is http://www.boatingbyboatguyed.com/  NEVER, EVER TRY TO BUY HIM A DRINK!

This blog/column is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. Do not read while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Keep sending those great questions and comments to boatguiEd@aol.com.