Boating is...by boatguy Ed Fort Myers Beach is a satirical site!

Sponsored By.... Peggy Sue, the bartender at the Pukin' Pelican Sports Bar and Waterfront Grill is quite a-typical of her generation. She has the appropriate amount of tattoos, several small children to different fathers and a suffering look on her face as the rock and roll oldies play on the iPhone over the speakers. Certainly not her choice. “Now that we're in season, you won't change the station on the iPad playing over the speakers,” said Shirley the newest manager. Peggy Sue stomped off and our four, senior citizen group applauded. Shirley smiled and went back to her office. “Shirley's had a tough up hill battle,” said New Jersey Jack. “It's not the same place. I especially like what she did with the pool tables.” “When did she get rid of them,” ask Tallahassee Ted. Our newest member of the the 'Dead End Canal Yacht Club' who is from Lower Alabama. “She moved them out to the Lani the first of the year and out completely the first o...

Boating; Real Shrimp at the Lions Shrimp Fest! “It's like Christmas and News Year Eve for us,” said Erie Earl as he gleefully rubbed his hands together and smiled like a Cheshire Cat. “We never had Lake Erie Shrimp!” The 58 th Annual Fort Myers Beach Shrimp Festival runs March 12 and 13, 2016 on, where else, Fort Myers Beach. There is a parade Saturday morning (remember the sky bridge will close) with the beautiful contestants for Shrimp Queen and then two whole days of shrimp boil with real local Gulf Pink Shrimp. No Vietnamese septic tank shrimp there. “That's the only time I'll eat shrimp. Except from the shrimp dock markets, that is,” said Salty Sally as she de-bagged hundreds of multi-flavor suckers that the 'Dead End Canal Yacht Club' will pass out off the Reverend's 24 foot Tri-toon along the shore later in the day. This was 'Run-aground Ralph's and Cap'n Crunch's idea, they are the original dirty old ...

Boating; Shrimp? SPONSORED BY... Four members of the 'Dead End Canal Yacht Club' drove to 'Bay Pines', Florida to the VA hospital the other day to visit one of our oldest members. 'Cracker Jim' is a native of Florida who got his Purple Heart fighting those 'Commie Bastard' China-men who supported those 'Commie Bastard' North Koreans. “This will be the first Shrimp Fest I've missed since 19 and 54,” he said from his hospital bed. “I can't hardly believe it!” Cracker Jim shrimped during the 1960s thru the 1990s and parked his shrimp boat on the Dead End Canal. In fact it was his sunken shrimp boat that blocked the canal and gave it that name during his last days of his career. It wasn't his fault, though. Cracker Jim was serving his last year in the Federal Prison at Elgin Air force base. (A little misunderstanding over imports from Columbia) “I think it would have been my last chance to have some real Shrimp. I o...

Boating; The Art of Docking By boatguy Ed Have you ever gone to a waterfront restaurant by boat? Do you know that in a recent survey of non-boaters, they really, really envy people who arrive by boat at the restaurants? Many people have entered the sport of boating just so they can be among those who are envied. Despite surveys pointing to boaters being happier, more contented and better lovers, non-boaters slough off all that and concentrate on their desire to simply stepping off a boat onto a restaurant’s dock as the main reason they might one day get into boating. In effect, you as boaters have a responsibility to boat to more restaurants. Not just for the great food or the enjoyment of being on the water with friends but to preserve the boating lifestyle. A skillful landing is often more difficult than it seems to non-boaters. Observers often break into animated discussions about a less a skillful landing when the skipper misjudged wind or tide or the speed needed t...

Sponsored by SUPER SHIPBOTTOM PAINT Rita Smith was a handsome woman in her mid-thirties who could have moved up to 'a little pretty' with a little make-up. She and an Englishman named Sam Jones sailed the West Coast of Florida from Pensacola to the anchorage behind Estuary Island on his sailboat. The romance had worn thin somewhere north of Sarasota. One day he took the dinghy to shore, stranding her on the boat, or so he thought. Rita was through with him. She packed her sea bags with clean clothes mixed with her dirty laundry and hailed the passing water taxi. It dropped her off on the grocery store/alley dock. She shoved two loads in the washer and put in the last of her coin stash, then called a land taxi that took her to a bank. She withdrew several hundreds of dollars from her dwindling account and walked back to the alley. She sat at a table near the laundry with several cruising 'wives' and was 'hit on' several times by low life customers. ...

Boating by boatguy Ed Boating is alive and well but under attack from some new and traditional foes. The biggest pressure facing boaters today is from the people who want to live on the water. Once rundown, somewhat seedy commercial waterfront property is now being re-zoned for residential use. It seems that there is an insatiable demand for this waterfront lifestyle. Some developers are actually preserving the boating lifestyle by buying up Ma and Pa marinas and turning them into Dock-ominiums. Maybe this isn’t everyone’s idea of the best use for these old time marinas but these expensive and exclusive developments are still boating communities. They are infinitesimally preferable to high-rise communities wiping out our ever-limited resources. Around the nation old waterfront community leaders are tying redevelopment to bringing new residents into town via the developer’s condominium paradise. The waterfront redevelopment is being built upon traditional parks and boat r...

Boating from 2004 by boatguy Ed I was in a favorite waterfront restaurant the other day and a group of strangers broke into spontaneous discourse about the state of fishing in Florida. This is an unofficial recollection of the high points of that conversation. I have disguised the identity of the actual participants in order to protect the innocent and the guilty. “So you’re the boatguy that writes them stories in the newspaper,” said Minnesota Mike as he stopped by my. “I’m not exactly sure about all you write but I think you’re funny sometimes.” “…they’re columns, I write a weekly column.” “Columns? Whatever, I think you’re funny sometimes but you should write more about fishing!” More than not, bartenders don’t pay attention to me except when you don’t care if the do or not,  “There ain’t any fish left,” said Ralph. From the other side of the bar, New Jersey Nick, popped into the conversation. “I can catch all the catfish I want but the goo...

O'Malley's Alley Chapter III "Rita" Rita Jones wandered into the Alley on a Sunday afternoon. The sound of blues played by experts drew her into the crowded back alley bar. She stood behind several people and waited until the set finished before she ordered a Rum and Coke. "Just beer and wine until 6 o'clock," the young woman with a tongue stud, a nose ring and six ear rings per ear said as she stared blankly back at Rita. "Beer's okay," Rita said. The bartender put a bottle of Budweiser on the bar with a glass. Rita put a five-dollar bill on the bar and got three singles back. She thought that was very reasonable for a long neck beer and good entertainment. Rita moved closer to the stage and swayed to the music and sang a lyric or two when they played a familiar tune. Most of the songs were original and the crowd sometimes just stared because they were hearing the tune for the first time. No one noticed Rita that first Sunda...