Boating is...by boatguy Ed Fort Myers Beach is a satirical site!

We were in Skip One Seafood Restaurant the other night and overheard another patron talking about how a local seafood / bar / restaurant / marina had dismissed their cancer stricken book keeper with only three Chemo treatments left. The 'Dead End Canal Yacht Club' members present bit our lips. We know too much about those scurrilous dogs to make a comment in public. "Let it go," whispered the Reverend as he nibbled on a plate of Wahhabi drizzled Ahi Tuna. We knew he was right and the owners of that local seafood / bar / restaurant / marina were dead wrong because another employee of those bastards had been filling us in. "Hopefully she got a good severance package," said Erie Earl. "Fired her right out of the blue, I heard," said the semi-stranger down the bar. To us; "Didn't your club frequent that place a lot." "We don't go there anymore," said the Reverend. "It got old!" "And they're evil...

From 2004. If costs and fees are out of date, sorry! “I have an idea for a column you should write,” said the retirement aged stranger across the bar. I just nodded and waited politely because every idea has merit and occasionally a bit of true genius floats my way. “You should write about the highway robbery that is going on with these tow boats!” “Oh really, is this a personal experience of which you speak?” I don’t really talk like that but it looks good in print. Anyway, my encouragement brought he and his lady companion over to my side of the bar and a tale of woe, the likes I’ve heard a hundred times before, was spewed forth in a passionate fashion. He had been returning from a luncheon outing some 20 miles south of his homeport when a low oil warning alarm went off. It was unclear if he shut down the engine as his lady friend remembered the incident or the engine shut itself down but he was afraid to start it for fear of ruining his new boat and motor. “I called a lo...

Boating by boatguy Ed "After all else fails," my dear old pappy used to say, "read the directions!" Who among us hasn't added to much hardener to the epoxy and wondered why it was smoking? I've screwed the pooch on many occasions but from the pros I expect better? Whenever I walk into a boat repair place I always look for the older mechanics. That may sound politically incorrect or age bias but it has been my experience that the younger mechanics may be book smarter but they don't have the hands-on time. Case in point was a new starter that I didn't need. Whenever your boat won't start or even turnover it is most likely the battery. The Florida heat is as hard on batteries as the New England winters. Long ago the boat wouldn't start so I called the service department who sent a clean cut young mechanic over to the boat slip. After a very short diagnosis he exclaimed, "You need a new starter!" "How are the batte...

He's a great guy. 83 years old and a super volunteer at the Catholic Church, die hard Patriots fan and Irish as Paddy's pig. I suspected something was wrong when he quit drinking beer and going out to watch football but hey, he's just getting old, we all said. Then he got lost in the Home Depot Parking lot in his new T-bird. We started to worry but we didn't see him much. My wife belongs to the church and told us that he worked tirelessly when cooking for events at the church hall. When my wife and his wife saw each other last, 'his' wife broke down and spoke of his personality change through her tears. His first Doctor's appointment is today and we pray to God it's some treatable condition. Your God and my God are the same, we just call them by different names..... UPDATE; Change in diet and sleep patterns has taken care of the memory! 12/13/2014 This blog/column is meant for educational purposes only.  Any resemblance to real persons, living ...

“It won't start,” the young woman shouted from the stern of the 20 foot something powerboat drifting near Picnic Island just off the 'Miserable Mile.' “Do you have an anchor,” Erie Earl shouted back to her. She looked puzzled and shook her head. “We don't want to anchor?” “You'll need to stay put until your towing service can get there.”  “Can't you tow us,” she asked. “We aren't a towing service and aren't insured to cover damage to your boat,” I replied. Their boat was drifting closer to the flats and if they didn't anchor or we didn't throw them a line, they would be a ground.  “Throw them a line, Earl.” “You're taking a hell of a chance,” said Cap'n Crunch. “I know, Crunchie, I know. I don't have a proper tow line and those spare dock lines can easily part but they're wearing bikinis and it's against the unofficial law of the seas to leave bikini clad damsels in distress.” We didn't ha...

Only one thing happened this week and it isn't hardly worth mentioning but slow news is slow news.  I met a man who wanted to talk boats with me and his friends. He began bragging about fool hardy adventures he'd undertaken while boating and seemed genuinely proud of his foolishness. I cut him short with a withering gaze at which time he said, "and I suppose you've never done anything stupid on a boat?" There he had me! "Several things," I said. "Tell me one that tops my Hurricane story," he bated me! "I don't have anything that reckless but a friend and I once brought an 18 foot center console back from Ramrod Key through Florida Bay over the damn at Flaming to Ft. Myers Beach on it's own bottom! He didn't have to say what he was thinking because he rolled his eyes in disbelief. "There is a video of the trip on the Internet Boating Show. I believe in taking video of all my stupidity.!" That shut him up lon...

"Hello, my name is Becky, what is yours?" The young girl behind the Pukin' Pelican's bar said as we sat down. "Where is Claudia," asked Cap'n Crunch.  "She's no longer with us....," said Becky mournfully. We responded in near unison..."We told her to stop smoking!" "When did she die," asked Boston Bob. "Oh no, she didn't die! She gone, doesn't work here anymore," said Becky. Why we asked? "I don't know she was gone before I got here." When did you ge t here we asked. "Yesterday!" Cap'n Crunch was livid. He had a crush on Claudia's boobs. Not on all of her boobs but certainly her cleavage. He liked the rest of her, too but we all doubted he could give a Police sketch artist even a close description of her face. "Of course not," he would retort, "You'd have to ignore all that low cut cleavage to see her face!" "She was...

Boating is...by boatguy Ed: I've been thrown out of better places than this!

Since there are so few of the 'Dead End Canal Yacht Club' members around Fort Myers Beach, Florida this time of year (July) I've been running wild. So wild as a matter of fact that I was thrown out of a favorite watering hole. Since I am a known trouble maker (I send food back when it isn't the way I ordered and make suggestions at a drop of the hat) I am always walking a fine line. But i didn't expect a simple question to be my demise. "Excuse me 'New Manager' why have you instituted a policy of NO EMPLOYEES drinking at the bar?" As witness to my behavior was "Sailor Ed" who was curious as well. His point being that the dock hands and service people of the 'heretofore unnamed marina' were always looking out for and helping him and he liked to buy them a beer now and again. The 'New Manager' replied that he had to ban them because they were troublemakers and destroyed  restaurant property. "Sailor Ed" e...